This is my first rough draft of this essay. please critique it and thank you for your help!
The most influential person in my life is my mother. She taught me how to keep loving through the good and the bad. My mothers love is unconditional, it is a trait i wish to equip throughout my life. I was about 13 when I found out that my mother loved me unconditionally. The moment I lost my mothers necklace (that my grandmother gave to her) I thought she was going to kill me. I had never seen my mother so mad at me. I began to cry as she was yelling at me;I ran into my room, closed the door, and wept all night. The next day my mom walked into my room and told me she was sorry with the most regretful look on her face. I knew my mother was truly sorry. As we hugged in closure, she started to cry on my shoulder. I told my mom I will do anything to find it, but my mothers response was "That necklace will never amount to how much I love you". I will forever be amazed about my mothers love and care for me.
She is also incredible at getting things done. It does not matter of the situation, my mother always comes through with whatever was needed. She puts others needs before hers and I love that about her. Whenever someone asks for something, she is always the first one to deliver. When I play softball we usually have 2 games a day, during these games somebody always runs out of water. My mother being the caring person she is, offers to go buy them water from a store near by. During are breaks between games she rushes to go get water. When she returns she comes back with water, snacks, and ice for the ice chests. My mother always comes with more than needed just to keep her friends and loved ones happy. I will never understand how big her heart is, but I hope my heart takes after hers. My mother is my best friend. Like all best friends she gives me the best advice. She has always tells me to stop getting mad over the little things, to be more giving, and to strive for greatness. If there is anyone who knows my flaws better than me, it is my mother. She knows exactly how to make my mood change from mad to happy. She is a girls best friend and a perfect mother. Day by day I take into consideration the things my mother has taught me. She is my most influential person, not only because she is a loving mother, but because she is an impeccable woman whose wisdom and selflessness carry throughout her family.
The most influential person in my life is my mother. She taught me how to continue loving through the good and the bad. My mother' s love is unconditional, it is a characteristicIhope to equip [I don't like the word equip here, I don't think it makes sense. Perhaps, try a characteristic that you hope to abide by, or follow, etc] throughout my life. This sentence is repetitive. If the age 13 is important try incorporating it into the sentence before. The moment I lost the (adjective) necklace that had been in my family for generations I thought she was going to kill me Don't know if I like this wording, maybe something like I stopped dead in my tracks, deathly afraid of her rash reaction . I had never seen my mother so mad, I began to cry as she continued to yellat me is implied . I ran into my room, closed the door, and wept all night. Why? Did you feel like you disappointed her? The sentence as it stands isn't very strong because it doesn't provide any reasoning behind it. Yes, you lost her necklace. Yes, she was mad. But had you not experienced this type of reaction before? Provide something so that readers can relate. Without any context, it almost sounds like you're overemotional and that's not what you want The next day my mom walked into my room and told me she was sorry with a look of regret etched upon her face. In that moment I knew my mother was truly sorry and despite any remaining anger/disappointment, her love for me would be eternal . As we hugged in closure, she started to cry on my shoulder. I told my mom I will do anything to find it, but my mothers response was "That necklace will never amount to how much I love you". I will forever be amazed about my mothers love and care for me. I recommend trying to tell the story as it happened. It seems like for the most part what you are doing is telling the story, pause, reflection. Repeat. It might be more effective to tell it as it happened, reflections imbedded throughout. You have an emotional experience for both you and your mother that illustrates how it made your bond stronger. But you don't reveal much emotion throughout, but you should!
You need a linking sentence to combine the two ideas between unconditional love and her efficiency/dependability
She is also incredible at getting things done. It does not matter of the situation, my mother always comes through with whatever was needed. She puts others' needs before herselfWe already know that you love her, so try ending her with an example . Whenever someone asks for something, she is always the first one to deliver. examples?Try rephrasing it like this: Playing multiple softball games on the weekends, it is inevitable that my teammates will run out of water My mother being the compassionate person she is, offers to buy them water from a store nearby . During our breaks between games she rushes to retrieve water. though there is no personal benefit? maybe? When she returns she comes back with water, snacks, and ice for the ice chests. Not necessary My mother always arrives prepared with more than needed in order to keep her friends and loved ones happy. I will never be able to understand how her heart is so enormous/welcoming , but I hope my heart takes after hers I think there might be a better way to phrase this to make it less repetitive but would retain the same idea . This new idea seemed to pop out of nowhere, find a link or try a new paragraph My mother is my best friend. Like all best friends she gives me the best advice. She has always tells me to stop fretting/getting hung up over the little things, to give more , and to strive for greatness. You want to keep the verbs all in the same tense. Stop, give, strive. If there is anyone who knows my flaws better than me, it is my mother. Are you sure you mean flaws? Saying flaws makes it seem really negative. She knows exactly how to brighten/improve my mood She is a girl' s best friend and a perfect mother. Day by day I take into consideration the things my mother has taught me. She is the most influential person to me . Beyond her compassion for myself and others she is an impeccable Not feeling that choice of words woman whose wisdom and selflessness is evident in her daily activities/is an admirable characteristic
You have awesome ideas throughout, with a little editing on passive/active voice and remaining WITHIN the story instead of just an observer, it can be great! It is YOUR story, remember that. Though it is about your mother, you want to make sure that beyond just her actions, you discuss your emotional attachment and what not
Each person makes different mistakes and gets different experiences in his life. However, each of us has one person who changed our lives. My mother is the most important person who always supported me and gave me good advice. My parents divorced when I was two years old. So, my mother took care of me. She had two jobs to be able to afford all our expenses . My mother gave me all her love and tried to make our life better. Also she was always a good friend to me. My mother taught me to be kind and helpful to other people. Mother's suggestions helped me to make good friends and be successful in my life. The most important event happened to me when I was three years old. I remember it very well. My mother took me to the beach. She asked me to wait for her on the coast until she swam. I didn't obey her and jumped into the water. When my mother went back to the coast, she didn't find me. Mother cried for help but nobody heard her. Suddenly, she saw my bathing cap over the water and caught me. Thank God she saved my life. I was very grateful to her. I was nine years old when I wanted to go to dance school. However, my mother wasn't able to afford my studies. I was very upset. Later was my birthday. All our family joined to celebrate my happy day. My mother presented the best gift in my life. She gave the me opportunity to start my dance lessons . I was very happy. Now I understand that my mother made the big efforts to realize my dream of dancing school. Then I went to camp during the summer season. One day our teachers organized a competition for all children at the camp. They decided to choose one person as the best dancer from all groups of children. So, the teachers invited the musicians to play music for our camp. My mother went to see my performance in the camp. I did modern dance. My movements were flexible and gave me the possibility to dance very easily. I spun, hooked and moved my arms. Eventually, I won this competition. I felt happy. My mother was very proud of me. I graduated from the school when I was seventeen years old. After that I was accepted by the National Academy of Law. My future major was law. However, I finished only four years of school because I moved to the United States. I arrived in May,2003. My mother stayed in the Ukraine. I miss her very much. My mother came to visit me for two months in the Summer,2004. I'm very sad because she is so far from me. My mother encouraged me to go to college in the United States. She always told me that an education is an important part of life. So, I took her words into account and entered Kingsborough Community College where my major is biology. My mother was glad to know about my choice. My mother has been most influential in my life. Before I make a serious decision, I always ask mother's opinion. My mother is my best friend. I love her very much. One day I believe that we will be together.